This is the third and final installment in the "Reflections on Fatherhood" series. Since becoming a dad myself, I have realized even more what a terrifying responsibility fatherhood is. Moreover, I gain new insights into the character of God--and why God chose to reveal himself as "Father"--on a daily basis. Here are a few musings to wrap things up.
1) My son is always checking to see if I see what he is doing. He is constantly jabbering away--seriously, I have no idea what that kid is talking about, ever--or playing or laughing or dancing, etc. However, in the midst of all his busyness he is constantly looking up to see if I am watching. Now, unlike God, I am not always watching. In fact, all too often my gaze is fixed on my iPad doing something that doesn't matter nearly as much as my son's childhood flying by before my very eyes. So, I am trying to be looking more. I am trying to make sure he knows that I see him, because I feel like God makes us feel seen and valued.
This whole scenario, though, reminds me how infrequently I care if God is seeing what I am doing. I act as though I want to live for God, but often times I have already made up my mind as to what God wants me to do and I just do that, never stopping to look up to see if God approves, or if he is actually at work in a totally different direction. I say that I care what God thinks about what I am doing with my life, but I am not looking up constantly to see if He sees.
2) My son also wants my stuff...all the time. He is only 9 months old, but the kid has a grip. I find myself continually underestimating the speed of his hands. One minute I will be holding him and we'll just be relaxing on the couch and the next thing I know he has my glasses in his mouth--slobber encasing the left lens--and I don't even remember him taking them off of my face. He lacks for nothing, has more toys than we can rotate through in a week, and yet, if given the choice, he would rather play with my Nalgene bottle, my cellphone (which, thankfully is waterproof so it can withstand the slobber), my glasses, my keys, even the buttons on my shirt. He gets so happy when he gets one of these items, and they hold his attention for way longer than anything else...except a ceiling fan, perhaps.
I was so convicted thinking about this today because I don't want my Father's stuff in the same way. I don't want his companionship, his grace, his wisdom, etc., I am too busy preoccupying myself with other people's stuff. It makes sense that God wouldn't want his people to covet. When all we are concerned with is what other people have that we don't, we miss out on our Father's stuff, which will keep us satisfied for a much longer period of time. I believe Jesus even more now, too, when he says that God loves to give good gifts to his children. I love being able to give good gifts to my son, things that he will enjoy. Which is why, at this moment, my son is drinking out of my Nalgene bottle.
3) I love my son more everyday. I have already mentioned this in a previous post, but I cannot stress this enough. I don't think about my love growing for him, it just happens. I think about God's love for us, and how it is maxed out and he couldn't love us any more (and he won't love us any less), and I simply cannot fathom--as Paul hope we would grasp--how high/wide/deep/etc. God's love for us truly is.
4) Along with the ever-increasing love I have for my son comes this growing fear of heartbreak. I know that I would be devastated if my son grew up to reject me, hate me, scorn everything I had done for him. How would i feel if he didn't want me as any part of his life? What if he never asked my advice on any decision he was making? What if we hardly ever spoke? The thought of it alone is enough to dash my soul to pieces.
And then I think about how God must feel when His children, created in his image from nothing, grow up and turn away from their true nature, their rightful inheritance, to follow something or someone lesser. I cannot imagine the ache in the heart of God. I begin to understand, though, why Jesus looked over Jerusalem and wept,
Yet, instead of being ruled by fear, I reflect on the way of Fatherhood. And, it seems to me, that the way that God approaches love is to do so extravagantly, preemptively, without any fear of rejection. As John wrote: "There is no fear in love, for perfect love casts out fear." (1John 4:18)
As this little series of reflections concludes, may we all love without fear, may we reflect on our Father (whether we are fathers ourselves or not), and may we portray an accurate picture of Him to the world around us.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Reflections on Fatherhood Part Deux (dos): Pain
I felt like a horrible person.
I had just stood back and allowed some stranger to stab my son in the leg repeatedly...and I did nothing. He screamed this high-pitched scream from deep within his being--a sound I had never heard before--and it cut me straight to the heart.
I wondered what he thought of me, if he would ever speak to me again--actually, he doesn't even talk yet so I worried he never would because of the trauma. How could I stand back and watch my child suffer?!? What kind of father am I?!?
The kind who gets his son routine vaccinations.
How do you communicate to a 2 month old that this is for his own good, that this momentary pain will protect him in the long run from things much worse than this needle? I tried to reason with him, tried to explain how vaccines work, but he would have none of it. He just screamed and I just kept saying "it's ok," over and over again.
I began to think about how God must feel when we go through pain or trials and we cry out to him in agony because our vantage point is so narrow compared to His. Much like trying to explain vaccines to an infant, how could he ever explain the grand scheme to you or I in a way that we could grasp without our heads exploding?
I mean, he could say:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1)
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (Romans 8)
"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." (Romans 5)
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16)
Now, not all pain is trials or the testing of our character. Some we bring upon ourselves--like a kid touching a hot stove after being warned not to, or a grown up embezzling thousands of dollars after being warned not to...and going to jail. Other times we take things that really aren't that painful and blow them out of proportion like we're spiritual hypochondriacs or something. I'll misplace my glasses and shake my fist at the sky and shout, "Why are you doing this to me God?!? Why hast thou chosen to smite me in such a manner?!?". (I get all KJV when I cry out to God.) Then I talk to someone who just lost their job or has a family member dying and I feel like a total butthead.
There is some pain though that seems to come out of nowhere, as if brought in by a whirlwind. It leave us at a loss, wondering if God is even there anymore. Much like Job, whose family was killed by a whirlwind. A whirlwind took everything from him. And then, at the end of the book, God shows up...in a whirlwind! God doesn't explain why and he doesn't undo what has been done, but he shows Job, and all of us, that he is not unaware of our pain, he is present even in the whirlwind.
I don't know what God is up to sometimes. Ok, most of the time. I don't understand why some families seem to have such difficulty conceiving children or why some families experience multiple car accidents in a short period of time or why parents have to bury their children sometimes. I mean, I get that our world is broken, and I get that I have a share in the blame for that, by I still don't always understand.
But the more I get to know God, the more I trust that he knows what he is doing...even in the whirlwind. Even in the pain. When it is difficult to believe this trial is for my benefit, I simply lean on the promise that God is ever-present in my suffering.
So, now, when pain hits, I simply try to let that knowledge be enough: God is near.
And that is exactly what I am trying to teach my screaming, diaper-clad son as I lift him off the examining table, wipe away his tears, and hold him tightly to my chest and tell him that everything is going to be ok.
- the life you save may be your own
I had just stood back and allowed some stranger to stab my son in the leg repeatedly...and I did nothing. He screamed this high-pitched scream from deep within his being--a sound I had never heard before--and it cut me straight to the heart.
I wondered what he thought of me, if he would ever speak to me again--actually, he doesn't even talk yet so I worried he never would because of the trauma. How could I stand back and watch my child suffer?!? What kind of father am I?!?
The kind who gets his son routine vaccinations.
How do you communicate to a 2 month old that this is for his own good, that this momentary pain will protect him in the long run from things much worse than this needle? I tried to reason with him, tried to explain how vaccines work, but he would have none of it. He just screamed and I just kept saying "it's ok," over and over again.
I began to think about how God must feel when we go through pain or trials and we cry out to him in agony because our vantage point is so narrow compared to His. Much like trying to explain vaccines to an infant, how could he ever explain the grand scheme to you or I in a way that we could grasp without our heads exploding?
I mean, he could say:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1)
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (Romans 8)
"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." (Romans 5)
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16)
Now, not all pain is trials or the testing of our character. Some we bring upon ourselves--like a kid touching a hot stove after being warned not to, or a grown up embezzling thousands of dollars after being warned not to...and going to jail. Other times we take things that really aren't that painful and blow them out of proportion like we're spiritual hypochondriacs or something. I'll misplace my glasses and shake my fist at the sky and shout, "Why are you doing this to me God?!? Why hast thou chosen to smite me in such a manner?!?". (I get all KJV when I cry out to God.) Then I talk to someone who just lost their job or has a family member dying and I feel like a total butthead.
There is some pain though that seems to come out of nowhere, as if brought in by a whirlwind. It leave us at a loss, wondering if God is even there anymore. Much like Job, whose family was killed by a whirlwind. A whirlwind took everything from him. And then, at the end of the book, God shows up...in a whirlwind! God doesn't explain why and he doesn't undo what has been done, but he shows Job, and all of us, that he is not unaware of our pain, he is present even in the whirlwind.
I don't know what God is up to sometimes. Ok, most of the time. I don't understand why some families seem to have such difficulty conceiving children or why some families experience multiple car accidents in a short period of time or why parents have to bury their children sometimes. I mean, I get that our world is broken, and I get that I have a share in the blame for that, by I still don't always understand.
But the more I get to know God, the more I trust that he knows what he is doing...even in the whirlwind. Even in the pain. When it is difficult to believe this trial is for my benefit, I simply lean on the promise that God is ever-present in my suffering.
So, now, when pain hits, I simply try to let that knowledge be enough: God is near.
And that is exactly what I am trying to teach my screaming, diaper-clad son as I lift him off the examining table, wipe away his tears, and hold him tightly to my chest and tell him that everything is going to be ok.
- the life you save may be your own
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Reflections on Fatherhood Part 1
So I apologize to the three people who read this blog (myself included) for the incredibly long hiatus. I can explain. I have an infant now.
Yep, just found one on the bus and brought him home. Don't tell anyone!
Just kidding. My wife and I adopted a baby boy, which has been amazing. But it is not fair to blame him for my lethargy regarding this blog. I hate when people throw their kids under the bus for their own shortcomings; figuratively or literally.
I never realized how much I wanted to be a dad until I was one, though. And I never realized how much I would learn about the heart of God by being a dad.
I was there the night my son was born. Even though we share no genetic material, I have been his daddy since moment one. I changed his diaper and was the first person he ever peed on--a title I am most proud of, mind you. I checked numerous times between the doors of the hospital and the car to make sure his 5.5lb little body was still breathing.
And I cried tears of joy as I sang him to sleep that first night at home.
I never realized how much God loves us.
Sure I sang songs ("How He Loves," anyone?) and read the words and told people God loved them, that he loved us, that he sent his son, etc. but it hit me in a crazy way when I held my son for the first time. I remember looking at his tiny little frame thinking about how he was totally dependent on my wife and I to survive. There was no, "Well mom and dad, I'm gonna give it a go on my own for a few days here" for this little guy. Anything he needed to do--not just wanted, needed--we had to do it for him. His life was in our hands.
And knowing that led me to the realization that I would do anything to protect him. (And honestly, I'd kill anyone who tried to hurt him...just saying).
And then someone asked me If I had thought about the cross since becoming a dad. At first, I just looked at them because that is such a bizarre thing to ask a new parent.
And then it hit me.
I could never do what God did.
I would never give up my son for you, I'm sorry but I wouldn't. I would die for you, but sacrifice him? Never. And I certainly would never give him up for someone who might shake off the sacrifice like it was no big deal, or worse yet, get mad at me because of it.
God took a tremendous risk on us! God demonstrates tremendous love for us! I know what it is like to love a son, and how much God must love us that he was willing to risk that son for us.
The love of God is a love that does not back away from agony, sacrifice, fear of rejection, or the unknown when it comes to doing what is right and best for the ones he loves.
May we love the same way.
Yep, just found one on the bus and brought him home. Don't tell anyone!
Just kidding. My wife and I adopted a baby boy, which has been amazing. But it is not fair to blame him for my lethargy regarding this blog. I hate when people throw their kids under the bus for their own shortcomings; figuratively or literally.
I never realized how much I wanted to be a dad until I was one, though. And I never realized how much I would learn about the heart of God by being a dad.
I was there the night my son was born. Even though we share no genetic material, I have been his daddy since moment one. I changed his diaper and was the first person he ever peed on--a title I am most proud of, mind you. I checked numerous times between the doors of the hospital and the car to make sure his 5.5lb little body was still breathing.
And I cried tears of joy as I sang him to sleep that first night at home.
I never realized how much God loves us.
Sure I sang songs ("How He Loves," anyone?) and read the words and told people God loved them, that he loved us, that he sent his son, etc. but it hit me in a crazy way when I held my son for the first time. I remember looking at his tiny little frame thinking about how he was totally dependent on my wife and I to survive. There was no, "Well mom and dad, I'm gonna give it a go on my own for a few days here" for this little guy. Anything he needed to do--not just wanted, needed--we had to do it for him. His life was in our hands.
And knowing that led me to the realization that I would do anything to protect him. (And honestly, I'd kill anyone who tried to hurt him...just saying).
And then someone asked me If I had thought about the cross since becoming a dad. At first, I just looked at them because that is such a bizarre thing to ask a new parent.
And then it hit me.
I could never do what God did.
I would never give up my son for you, I'm sorry but I wouldn't. I would die for you, but sacrifice him? Never. And I certainly would never give him up for someone who might shake off the sacrifice like it was no big deal, or worse yet, get mad at me because of it.
God took a tremendous risk on us! God demonstrates tremendous love for us! I know what it is like to love a son, and how much God must love us that he was willing to risk that son for us.
The love of God is a love that does not back away from agony, sacrifice, fear of rejection, or the unknown when it comes to doing what is right and best for the ones he loves.
May we love the same way.
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