I felt like a horrible person.
I had just stood back and allowed some stranger to stab my son in the leg repeatedly...and I did nothing. He screamed this high-pitched scream from deep within his being--a sound I had never heard before--and it cut me straight to the heart.
I wondered what he thought of me, if he would ever speak to me again--actually, he doesn't even talk yet so I worried he never would because of the trauma. How could I stand back and watch my child suffer?!? What kind of father am I?!?
The kind who gets his son routine vaccinations.
How do you communicate to a 2 month old that this is for his own good, that this momentary pain will protect him in the long run from things much worse than this needle? I tried to reason with him, tried to explain how vaccines work, but he would have none of it. He just screamed and I just kept saying "it's ok," over and over again.
I began to think about how God must feel when we go through pain or trials and we cry out to him in agony because our vantage point is so narrow compared to His. Much like trying to explain vaccines to an infant, how could he ever explain the grand scheme to you or I in a way that we could grasp without our heads exploding?
I mean, he could say:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1)
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (Romans 8)
"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." (Romans 5)
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16)
Now, not all pain is trials or the testing of our character. Some we bring upon ourselves--like a kid touching a hot stove after being warned not to, or a grown up embezzling thousands of dollars after being warned not to...and going to jail. Other times we take things that really aren't that painful and blow them out of proportion like we're spiritual hypochondriacs or something. I'll misplace my glasses and shake my fist at the sky and shout, "Why are you doing this to me God?!? Why hast thou chosen to smite me in such a manner?!?". (I get all KJV when I cry out to God.) Then I talk to someone who just lost their job or has a family member dying and I feel like a total butthead.
There is some pain though that seems to come out of nowhere, as if brought in by a whirlwind. It leave us at a loss, wondering if God is even there anymore. Much like Job, whose family was killed by a whirlwind. A whirlwind took everything from him. And then, at the end of the book, God shows up...in a whirlwind! God doesn't explain why and he doesn't undo what has been done, but he shows Job, and all of us, that he is not unaware of our pain, he is present even in the whirlwind.
I don't know what God is up to sometimes. Ok, most of the time. I don't understand why some families seem to have such difficulty conceiving children or why some families experience multiple car accidents in a short period of time or why parents have to bury their children sometimes. I mean, I get that our world is broken, and I get that I have a share in the blame for that, by I still don't always understand.
But the more I get to know God, the more I trust that he knows what he is doing...even in the whirlwind. Even in the pain. When it is difficult to believe this trial is for my benefit, I simply lean on the promise that God is ever-present in my suffering.
So, now, when pain hits, I simply try to let that knowledge be enough: God is near.
And that is exactly what I am trying to teach my screaming, diaper-clad son as I lift him off the examining table, wipe away his tears, and hold him tightly to my chest and tell him that everything is going to be ok.
- the life you save may be your own
